Snippets Of a Hesitant Blogger
thoughts of someone who adores the written word
Wednesday, July 10, 2024
Reality Hits
Tuesday, July 09, 2024
Another Night
After an enriching weekend with family, I am here again, battling another grief attack.
You might ask, What is a grief attack? It is something that I equate to a panic attack..
Friday, July 05, 2024
Battery Charged
After working on-site yesterday, I picked up Mama, Kara, and (surprise surprise!) Papa. We drove to Bunso's place, stopped at Shell SLEx for late lunch at KFC and Starbucks courtesy of Papa. Since then, I've felt recharged. Family has been my source of strength when my dark days began.
Here, I am able to sleep soundly without the hassle of being woken to switch parking places and enjoy the company of my nieces. Next to Marikina, this is my peaceful place, and so I long to be here as much as possible.
Tomorrow is the last day of the work week for me, and I am looking forward to spending quality time with family before heading back to the metro.
Thank God for family and peaceful places.
๐
Wednesday, July 03, 2024
Begin Again?
Wednesday, July 3, 2024
More than two years from my last entry huh? That long? Geez! And I am here again, finally recalled how to access this page. The last two years, I can say that I just went through the motions of life. Gave the 'bare minimum'. Just existed.
Ugh 2022.
If it weren't for the birth of Bebe Gic and Taba's miraculous recovery, I truly, truly wish that it had just not happened. I still think of it as a nightmarish year of my life - battling depression, Taba getting terribly sick, my nearly fatal heart attack, and the worst - losing Bunsita. ๐๐ญ
I was never the same after October 18 that year. I knew now how it felt to have a part of you DIE when we lost her. Fuck! The aftermath? Grief attacks. When it happens, I feel like drowning. That, no tears are enough to cry out the pain that resurfaces. It's like a big gash that's been stitched and then the stitches are pulled forcefully.
May be going back to this page will help with my grief journey.
May be I'll find solace in creating entries that bare myself.
I don't know.
Friday, February 18, 2022
Slowly
One entry every other day - not bad for someone coming back to the habit of chronicling.
It's everyone's weekend, but it's midweek for me later.
Today, we're claiming Kuya at Tito Rex's. Yesterday, we claimed the tail light that I ordered from Toyota and dropped it there. We had a late lunch of Mama's cooking: GG, Bicol express, Ginataang isda, and hot rice! ๐
We picked up a few stuff from the apartment before rushing home to make it to Gian's 5p.m. call.
Mama gifted us with a center table which I totally love!
I had such a good time seeing Mama and the kids! ๐
I'm hoping we can manage the tasks today like we did yesterday. ๐๐
Wednesday, February 16, 2022
Baking inside
I am not sure if it is just me or has the temperature suddenly increased that I feel I'm baking on the inside.
I've already gone to bed, ahead of Lablab, when past one in the morning, I felt sweat on my eye cover and I had this feeling all over my body of being soaked in water. So I got up, used the bathroom, drank 2 glasses of cold water, and tried to go back to sleep, but to no avail. I'm also considering it's because of my body clock which is used to being awake at this time (2:03 a.m.) for work. Or was it because we used the pool the first time? But it's weird because I felt really really exhausted that I was expecting to skip dinner and doze off right after hitting the bed or the sofa. But none of these happened. Instead, I'm left to wonder what's happening. Oh, I've also switched Lolo Bishi, another first, since we brought him from the old apartment.
Ugh! This is crazy!
So yesterday, Lablab and I agreed to go out and went to Toyota Balintawak to order the replacement tail/break light for Avionn. Thankfully, it was cheaper than the price quoted by Kuya Bert, Tito Rex's mechanic. The accessory will arrive tomorrow because it's Caloocan day today. Trinoma was our next stop where, my supposed single purchase of the Nike lunch bag that we found at Planet Sports was followed by goggles at Olympic Village, then the Invictus sneakers from World Balance, and was capped by a pair neon green sneakers from Traffic! Geez! I've gotta control my urge to splurge next time, although Lablab said my purchase was considerably cheaper than (for example) the cost of the Air Force One Rose that I wore yesterday. That at least justified my expense, but still, I need to be better at handling myself and my plastic.
Monday, February 14, 2022
It got me again!
Sigh!
I let myself fall into laziness, again. I just realized it after opening my laptop and seeing that my last entry was almost one month ago.
So here I am, will try to get back to posting entries, this time, with or without photos. I think at times, I was more pressured in finding the appropriate photo to accompany the entry. Now, the entry will come first, the photo will just be an icing.
PS (Bad luck feels)
I felt unlucky having been involved in 3 car-related mishaps in the span of two weeks.
January 31 - After Mama and I ran errands at SM Fairview, the first accident happened. A car tailed Avionn at the parking and in my attempt to get out of the space, I bruised Kuya's right front side. Thankfully, the headlights bore no damage. Lablab was not that mad, but reminded that I will shoulder the cost of the repairs.
February 4 - Parentals + Yagits drove to Bunso's and Bunsita's home for the weekend with Nunja at Biyaya. Bunsita realized that she left her phone inside Duchess so we agreed to meet Nunja at Monde as they already fetched Danila from work. We were already there, just on the opposite side of the road, and was almost done U-turning to the side where Duchess was parked when the second accident happened - a motor driven by a female rider with another female passenger hit Elias' read end (gas side fender). I'm telling you, my mind went blank and I had to let Nunja lead the discussions. Thankfully, the rider and her passenger did not sustain any serious injury and the motor had minor steering rod damage. We also agreed to shoulder our own repairs. I felt traumatized after that night.
February 9 - Wanting to decompress from a bad dream the previous morning, I invited Mama to go up to Antipolo to visit the Cathedral and San Pedro Calungsod Parish. All was well with my driving until we were leaving McDonald's after having brunch. I was backing Avionn and talking to Mama at the same time that I missed the warning alarm and Lablab's reminder and crashed into a Ford Everest. (Strike 3!) Silver lining, the owner was a fellow Leni supporter and agreed to be paid the price of a brand new brake light (P8,000). We proceeded with our planned visit to Our Lady of Peace and Good Voyage, brought Mama home, picked up Elias from the garage, and drove to Tito Rex's shop where we had both cars assessed and Avionn to be repaired. I have to get the replacement tail lights from Toyota as Kuya's was badly cracked due to what happened and once he's repaired, Elias will be next.
I want to move on from these unfortunate events and I'm trying to. Just like I'd want to do better with this blogging comeback project that I've began last month.
Here's to manifesting better outcomes... :)
Friday, January 21, 2022
Fridate
So because we still had not shipped the refrigerator from the apartment to the condo, Piggy and I went on a quick Fridate at the Ayala Malls Cloverleaf where we dined at Santouka Japanese restaurant and ordered ramen and takoyaki for dinner.
After eating, we shopped for rugs and a few grocery items before heading back.
Thursday, January 20, 2022
Family
Suffice to say that we all had a great time being together - from watching Space Jam (1996) and Sing 2, to eating, playing Bingo (and me winning P100 in the 1st blackout round), and 1-2-3 pass until it was time to say goodbye and head back to QC after lunch today.
I will make sure to indulge in any of my family's request for time to be together, because this is what gives me life and motivation.
๐
Wednesday, January 19, 2022
Ate K
This post will remind me in the future to celebrate life. Today, I choose to celebrate the life of a good colleague who I worked closely with during our 2013 Interim Supervisor days handling Chaseworks (project-based) employees - Ate K.
I got the sad news while within shift from a former team member and validated it from another.
Eternal rest grant unto the soul of Catherine Obal-Alivia and let perpetual light shine upon her. Please watch over her daughter Bianca too, Lord. Amen
Tuesday, January 18, 2022
Growth
Friday, January 14, 2022
Weekend!
Thursday, January 13, 2022
Dawn
The promise of a new day.
Thank you Papa God for giving me this beautiful morning view!
Please bless our undertakings for today and make them Yours!
๐
Tuesday, January 11, 2022
A lot has happened!
Sunday, Jan. 9
Saturday, January 08, 2022
Getting old habits back
I have always loved reading and read many books for as long as I can remember. However, when the pandemic struck and I began working from home, what I thought would be more time for reading since I won't be commuting to the office took a different turn. My reading pace dwindled until I wasn't reading anymore!
And so this month, I'm getting back on track. More of my resolutions in my succeeding entries.
๐Kulot
Thursday, January 06, 2022
Answered Prayer
I had been checking my phone consistently yesterday, hoping to see that email that would confirm the results of the RT-PCR that I took. To be honest, I still feared for the worst because it was a 50/50 probability.
But God is good and He listens to prayers!
As I navigated through the landing pages that would take me to the screen/page showing the results, I arrived at this! Negative! This is the second time that I had been this delighted and thankful to see this word!
Thank you Lord! I now have the peace of mind that I needed. Still, the battle is out there. The virus is still lurking, so we still owe it to ourselves and our loved ones to exercise caution when going out.
Praying for everyone's safety. ๐
Wednesday, January 05, 2022
God's year
(photo credit: The Facebook Page of The Letterer)
The accompanying photo sums up how I would like 2022 to be - God's year. Knowing me, I'd expect myself to take the wheel on occasions, but I will try my best to let go and let God. This perfectly aligns with the Hopeful year I'm praying 2022 to be.
It's been five days since we welcomed the new year, and 360 days doesn't seem that far from today.
Lord, help me to make this year, Your year. May Your will be done, not mine. Amen
๐ฟ Kulot
Tuesday, January 04, 2022
Certainty
Before 2021 closed, I got down with fever and after what I thought was the recovery stage where I'm left with the cough and colds (which usually is the case), I felt a little off. Add to that the fact that I spent a few short minutes of the new year with my family (along with my second-born brother who also had fever the same day I did, 29th), I got paranoid. So yesterday, I discussed the idea of getting a swab test with my youngest brother, and to have that peace of mind in knowing what my true status is, I went to Ayala Fairview Terraces this afternoon (tough luck! RT-PCR test kits ran out when I arrived) and managed to walk in at SM's Drive To Swab facility.
I am manifesting that the symptoms I'm feeling are but the remnants of the fever I had, and not what I dread it to be. Cases have been spiking and the IATF had to recommend the Alert levels to be changed from 2 to 3, with curfews implemented in some areas of the NCR.
Lord, please let the results be negative.
๐ฟKulot
Monday, January 03, 2022
HOPE
I chose this word to be my guiding virtue this year. I welcomed the year full of it and I will always have it in mind to ward of doubt.
After attending the January 1 mass at San Jose Ang Tagapangtanggol Parish, I drove off praying the rosary. First stop was the Unionbank branch at Quezon Avenue where I withdrew money for my payables. Next, I headed to Marikina Rivermall, stopped by the Guess store to ask about this tote bag that I like and was told promising news that they might have it in their inventory in the future, so I left my contact information. Also, from the kind store attendants, I found out that the mall is open only until 9 p.m. That's when I headed to the grocery and picked up rice, corned beef, canned tuna, and coconut water for my UTI. Total expense: P991!
I brought my groceries back to where Elias was parked and then proceeded to walk the path towards the amphitheater, which I found out was barricaded with wire. The carnival was there again, but it was too crowded that I just decided to continue walking the rest of the way, taking pictures as I walked along, going to the food stalls until I reached the parking area and decided to head home.
Last stop before home was Petron at Doรฑa Carmen where XCS was at P54.06 per liter, relatively cheaper than other branches (Philcoa in particular) that I've passed while driving.
Saturday, January 01, 2022
Turning a new leaf
Ushering another year after a rather challenging one, it's natural to feel unnerved for we do not know what will unfold. Yet this year, I choose to be a little bit more focused, to make better use of my time, and so I decided to launch a two-fold project: this being the first half and the other is on TikTok. I call it #DailyEntryProjectfor2022 which will be daily chronicles of what goes through with my day/life. This time around, I will commit to making this a success.
Today being a holy day of obligation, I attended mass (Thank you, Lord!) though challenged by what I think is a urinary tract infection. Coinciding with the Feast of the Epiphany of Jesus, the readings alluded to the magi who looked to the Star of David that guided them to the manger. During the homily, Fr. Jerome Ponce OFM reminded us to keep people who are stars in our lives - those who bring us back to the right path when we go astray and those who have our best interest at heart. ๐
P.S. I also commit to spending less time on socmed (aka, phone handling), but that will be elaborated in another entry.
For now, I close this first baby step towards making 2022 a year to look back.
๐Kulot
Saturday, July 24, 2021
1998
I just finished watching the above-entitled movie. top-billed by Albert Martinez, Eric Quizon, and Lorna Tolentino. In so many ways, this movie opened my eyes and my young, curious, inquisitive and closeted mind to the world I was treading at the time. The plot centers around Ron and Nick, a gay couple, and Annie whom Ron got pregnant after a one-night stand encounter. Annie then proceeds to "terrorize" the couple's once quiet life by inserting herself not just in the relationship, but in their lives. The trio eventually develop love for each other, but not without the proverbial struggles. There are several lovely, somber moments as their affection builds and it just goes to show that love knows no gender.
The movie was released on April 5, 1998. Yes, 1998! Back then, I was still in the journey of getting to know myself as a teenager slowly transitioning to adulthood. I was 16, fresh out of high school and (probably) awaiting my PUP entrance exam results when I watched this movie by my lonesome. I passed the PG-13 screening because, well, I was already past that age, though I was still surprised by some of the gestures like Albert kissing Eric and their intimate scene.
Back then and even now, having watched the movie, it still has the same feel-good effect because everything ended well for the three main characters. Too bad I cannot download it because the YouTube link is not recognized by the tool that I am using. Nevertheless, I am glad to have had the chance to watch this movie then and re-watch it now.
Truly, everybody is FREE TO LOVE. ๐
Friday, July 23, 2021
Nostalgic
Another Friday on leave. Still have that little pain on my right arm due to the vaccination last Tuesday. I generally don't like to be left alone with my thoughts because they can run amok and cause me anxiety. Like now. While praying the rosary, several thoughts came across my mind, distracting me, and made my heart race.
Turning to YouTube, I looked up the Streetboys, a 90's all-male dance group who I have idolized growing up. I felt relieved watching their performances from way back, taking me to those years when I was just a teenager. Somehow, the anxiety was abated.
Socmed detox now comes to mind.
Wednesday, July 21, 2021
Hopeful
So part of the internal struggle I've had this year had to do with almost the whole family contracting Covid-19. Yes! It's what I called a 'dark period' in our lives, what with the worries and stress it brought us because Papa showed severe symptoms manifested by his low oxygen saturation levels and me developing symptoms, too.
But God is good, for He not only gave us our bigger family who assisted us with our needs, He also made Papa's body respond to the DIY home care that we crafted for him. And so after our respective isolation periods, we were given clearances and moved forward in life, more careful than before.
Then one by one, with the help of God-sent friends, my family got inoculated with vaccines. Ours happened yesterday, July 20th. I am thankful that it came earlier than the allocation I've been waiting for at work; that it happened with enough time for us to rest before reporting to work last night.
And for as long as the government and private sector continue their efforts of administering the vaccines, the future of Filipinos looks bright.
Monday, July 19, 2021
Monday Musings
The start of another work week. Had a good night's sleep since we succumbed to it earlier than usual yesterday because we were all tired from the unplanned road trip to Tanay Rizal. What was initially a date with my youngest brother and sister-in-law instantly turned to a family affair. Avionn, our trusty, new baby, brought us to Cafe Katerina, a restaurant located along Mayagay, Tanay, Rizal, offering indoor and al-fresco dining to its customers.
Today, I woke up to a text message from Papa inviting us to have lunch with them. ๐งก
After our lunch date of home-cooked food, I decided to continue my work on my Vision Board (VB). I recall from my previous entry that I'd post the finished product, but I thought this project will be a continuous one, with goals marked 'Completed' as I move along, so here's the current look of it:
My main/current goal: Be Debt-Free.Admittedly, having access (once again) to the plastic that is the credit card, I felt the same euphoria and excitement that comes along with having the borrowed spending capability that in the last 3 years, I've made some purchases that otherwise, I would have not had I thought about the long term instead of instant gratification. Presently, I'm paying off previous purchases and am in the process of reviewing my finances to make better future plans.
I'm trying to be a bit wiser this time and I aim to stick to that plan.
Anyhow, I'm still planning to add some more to my VB, so as I post more, I'd also share more about it.
Saturday, July 17, 2021
Good morning!
Another weekend is upon me and I am still nowhere near my goal of cleaning my space at the family compound. I've made little progress last Monday, but that resulted to me being lethargic from that night's shift until Thursday's.
I'm supposed to have Bunso's and Bunsita's help today however, they just had their anti-Covid-19 vaccine yesterday so I cannot ask them yet. I might (No! I must) do something there like clean a bit more, no matter how small.
Yesterday, I went to Ever Gotesco Commonwealth and got me the materials for my Vision Board. Being an visual person, I wanted a space where I can write my goals on paper, post them and see to their fruition. I want to experience the 'high' of it once more. Then again, I must work on putting the board all together first since I also bought baubles to decorate it.
(Lookie! I'm adding a photo! Oh what fun!๐คฃ)
I just realized that we're half past another month. And though at times, anxiety still creeps from around some of my life's corners because I constantly have this feeling that I haven't accomplished much yet this year, I just remind myself that I need to take it one day at a time.
PS. I'll post the finished product (hopefully) in the next entry. ๐
๐Kulot
Thursday, July 15, 2021
Unidentified Feeling (Free-flowing entry)
July 15, 2021 Thursday
That's what I'd like to call what I have been feeling these days. No, it's not because I'm sick. I just happen to feel tired, not wanting to do anything, to the point that I think I am procrastinating at life.
There are days when I feel lazy. There are days when I just think a lot, but inasmuch as I would like to write down my thoughts like I used to when I was younger, I end up not doing it.
I sometimes wonder what has happened to me (or what did I allow myself to happen) since this pandemic hit. I mean, I see a lot of well-adjusted people who, after about a few months, have 'settled' and 'harmonized' their lives with the 'new normal'. Me? I see myself nowhere near some of them. Then again, there's no point in comparing how I pace my life with others simply because each race is different.
And so I just find solace that I was able to open this page today after an eternity and once again put my thoughts into words.
I remember wanting to be better at chronicling so I revived this blog even though no one would probably take interest in this aside from me, but I fell for the 'ningas kugon' affliction - magaling sa umpisa.
Anyhow, to each his own, right? One baby step at a time. I am not yet good at thinking of what topic to write about, so I'll just let each entry be free-flowing.
I'm quite proud that I've written this much in a single entry. ๐
Tuesday, February 16, 2021
16 February 2021, Tuesday
Found myself on YouTube, bingeing away on videos of Steps', 5ive's, 911's, Atomic Kitten's, Honeyz' and B*Witched's reunions. Man these groups sang the songs that pretty much formed the music of my youth! There's mixed nostalgia and reality all rolled into one. Nostalgia flowed when old videos were shown, taking me back to almost the close of 1990's and onward to the millennium. For reality's part, that kicked when the artists were being interviewed during the present (which is still many many many years away from today) and I saw how many of them have matured in looks. This is kind of tricky because of the combined feelings brought about by watching takes you back in time but then pulls you back into reality almost at the same time that you get a whiplash. Nevertheless, the songs of these groups' and many others like them continue to dominate my playlist, even now when I'm closing to pushing 40.
♥
Monday, February 15, 2021
2021 Day after Valentine's
Geez!
Bringing back the habit of chronicling my life isn't as easy as I thought. And I am working from home for that matter huh!
Well, let this be Day #1 of the 21-day for Project #BuildConsistencyinBloggingandVideotapingMyLife :)
Good luck to me!
PS - Hope you spent ♥'s Day well.
Your HesitantBlogger
Monday, July 20, 2020
Day 2...
How the pieces fall into place
It just wouldn't rhyme without you
When I see how my path
Seem to end up before your face
The state of my heart
The place where we are
Was written in the stars"
Lines to the song that blasts through my ears as I write this entry.
Realizations. Destiny. Fate. Just some of the concepts that pop into mind while listening to the song.
To whoever comes across this entry, I know that like me, you must have realized the amount of 'extra' time we've all been given since we were placed in quarantine. If you're blessed to be working from home, you no longer have the hassle of waking up hours before your shift to prepare. No commuting. More convenient, right? More time for extra snoozes of your cellphone until you have just about 10 to 15 minutes before your Zoom call begins.
We're put in a better position to learn to manage our activities so in turn, we spend our time wisely. I recall filing all my leaves for the year as early as January 2 with the same idea in mind - finish the things I planned for the days I'd be out of the office. And since this 'new normal' kicked in, I can say that I've managed to check some off my 'Accomplish List' and am trying to do more.
♥
Saturday, July 18, 2020
2020! Your Anonymous Fan is BACK!
It never occurred to me that I'd be writing again, here in my blog. And what a relief that I'm doing it now! Finally, catharsis! For so many years, I've thought about this page I've stared 8 years ago to share my thoughts, and once more, I'm home.
With the world slowly acclimating to the pandemic, I'm hoping to soon get settled into the habit of publishing entries. No promises this time, just small steps until this again becomes part of my norm.
♥